Since being married and raising children, I’ve put myself last. I assumed that’s what you do when you get married and start having a family. I’ve gotten lost and I don’t do much for myself because I’m too busy putting everyone else before me. You know how on a flight they say to put your mask on first before helping the person sitting next to you. You’ve got to make sure you are alive to help someone else. I’ve not done that. I’m so busy pouring life into my husband, children, home, work, and other people, that I’ve lost myself. Because of that I feel angry a lot. Sometimes I’m even resentful. And although I hate to admit this, there are times I wish I could go and do it all over again and decide not to have children. Do ya see why I had to get back to blogging? Too many thoughts pent up inside my head! Therefore, one of my goals for 2019 is self care. It’s funny though; In order to give self care, you have to be aware that you aren’t doing it.
A few days ago I got home, undressed, and was sitting at the computer. All of a sudden, I started feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I had taken a few minutes to scroll through FaceBook and before you know it, I let out a cry and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know if I was going crazy or what. Why was I crying? Nothing was wrong. I’m good. My family’s good. What had happened in the 15 or so minutes after I got home that had been confused, distraught, and stressed? I called my husband because I was literally scaring myself. He didn’t know what to think either. Could it be the beginning stages of pre-menopause? Why was I feeling so emotional? After sitting there for a few minutes balling my eyes out, I decided maybe I was just exhausted and needed a hot shower. Well, the shower helped briefly, then back to crying.
I began to pray and cried for God to please help me feel better and deal with the emotions I was currently having. Before long, the tears started to ease up and I could think. What was getting me so worked up? I was feeling like a failure. At the moment, I didn’t feel like my life was where I wanted it to be. I didn’t feel like I was making a difference, like I wasn’t actively pursuing my dreams. Remember I mentioned scrolling through Facebook? Well, it was making me anxious! People are putting all the things they are doing; businesses, vacations, celebrations, quotes about living out their purpose. Reading all this stuff was making me feel a certain way and I didn’t even know it. I was getting angry at posts made by people who are starting businesses, but not taking care of their children. They were sharing quotes about people not supporting their dreams. Really? All of these things were just getting under my skin and raising my blood pressure. But when I began to pray, I clearly knew I was not self aware. I had no idea scrolling through Facebook was causing me to feel a certain way. So, what do I do with this new found information? Deactivate my account and delete the app from my phone!
So all I’m saying is be aware of the things you are doing. We are so busy as moms with the “go-go-go” mindset that we are burning ourselves out. Not only are we paying for it mentally, physically, and emotionally, but we are ultimately projecting it into our families. Or at least that’s my experience.
As I become more self aware I’m making changes. Hopefully, I can alleviate some stress and reclaim a sense of self.
What activities do you do to de-stress or make time for yourself? Comments welcome.